Today's Classified Section

Wanted: Maid. For immediate hire. Female.. but must be ugly. Salary negotiable-- extremely flexible pay: ranging from nada to zilch. Duties include dishes, vacuuming, laundry, changing bedsheets, picking up toys, and any other job that the boss decides she doesn't want to do right now.

Personal Ads: Married, White Female seeks more time with Married, White Male for occasional conversations and walks along the beach. Bringing female to beach within the next month or two a must. Female desires more time with specific male; blond (slightly going grey a MUST), tall, great body, painter/drywaller extraordinaire, answers to the name of Will E. McSpanky. (PS- where in the heck did the McSpanky part come from anyways?! lol)

Found: time between homework and housework. Interesting how those are so similar, yet not. It's wonderful finding time... To have a shower. To bath my kids the way kids WANT to be bathed-- including toys, bubbles, and a mother who sings songs about washing hair.

For Sale: As- is. One nasty pristine blue carpet from the front room. Still like new: Never been washed! Owner no longer needs it as new flooring has been (and is still currently being) installed. Carpet has seen much love, including two sets of kittens who, apparently, REALLY enjoyed a hidden corner behind the couches. Cat-pee smell and stains included. Limited time offer, as male-owner will be using it as a border for the outside icerink. Available for theft removal from backyard immediately.

Free To A Good Home: Set of teenage daughters. Both sets include: Fantastic singer, incredibly beautiful. Enjoys phones and boys and clothes. Comes with accessories (great sense of style, piles and piles of makeup, superb sense of humour) Set A: Good child. Happy, slightly eccentric. Good older sister. Talented. Set B: verbally confusing, often prone to leaking from the eyes. Set A: Smart child. Set B: Smart mouth. verbally vomits on parents/boys/whoever's listening. Set A: Able to achieve top grades in school. Set B: failing classes because of apathy. Set A: Plays piano. Set B: Plays boys. EDIT After Publish: Set A no longer available for sale. Set B price reduced!