Letters say it Betters

Dear Dave.
Firstly, I curse you with a thousand curses of hot grill pans and burning vegetable oil. I am VERY unimpressed with you for STEALING the recipe for a McDonald's Big Mac, and selling it here, in this tiny town of Mo. You may have called it something else, sure, but you're not fooling this fat-prone chick-- I KNOW it's a Big Mac! Which is why I curse you-- I moved somewhere to get AWAY from my horrible obsession with Big Macs, and then, the love of my life introduces me to your yummy 'Biggy D'.
Curses,
Mrs. Likely-to-gain-400lbs-this-week.



Dear Toilet Paper,
I am so glad that you, my favourite Purex brand, are on sale at the local store. Do you know how happy that makes me and my bum? (and making my bum happy is no easy feat!) Honestly, TP, I only let YOU that close to my behind, and you've got to know that's saying a lot!!! I love you so much, that I bought THREE TIMES the 'limit' amount yesterday, coercing my hubby to go through the lane behind me, JUST FOR YOU!!! I can't get enough of you! To all your friends on the shelves still, you can reassure them that I will be there shortly to ensure a hearty year's supply of softness.
forever thankful,
soft bummed me.


Dear Kitchen,
it has been my joy and my bane to watch you progress. I am loving having cupboards again, having running water, having a countertop that isn't made out of wood. Someday, I will enjoy floors I can clean, and electricity!
-Your OWNER

Dear Lovely Daughters of Mine,
To the two of you who share a room here at this house. I really truly appreciate when I can use the "if you're room isn't clean, you can't go see Chris Daddy" bribe (although, only me and your fathers know that threat isn't ever going to be followed through). But, what I don't appreciate is when I go to pack your "Chris Daddy" bags, you, my lovelies, have shoved ALL THE CLEAN LAUNDRY that was on the floor, into the dirty clothes hamper! This, in spite of it seriously irritating me and Daddy Will who knows how much work it was to clean them in the first place, wouldn't be so bad if I could just gather them out of the hamper and put them away. But what REALLY gets under my sunburnt skin, is that you've USUALLY put some dirty, wet towel or swimsuit ON TOP of these clothes. Making them stink. And wet. And NOT clean, yet still freaking folded! I am NOT sorry for this last time making me SO irate that I then threw the clothes all over the room.
No. I am not 4 years old.



Dear Laundry,
GO *4-letter F word* YOURSELF!
(fold, obviously!)


Dear Tropical Island.
You've been a penpal long enough, and it's apparently NEEDED(from the letters above) that we meet in person. SOON. If it isn't too much of a hassle, can I please request a few things? First of all, I would really like it if you found some extra room at your place for Will, too. And NOT ENOUGH ROOM for anyone else. If you decided that children aren't allowed on your island, that would be okay with me. Because, I don't want to bring mine since they annoy me so easily, but I SURE AS HECK don't want other people to bring theirs!!!! Secondly, I want to ensure that there is FULL room service (including laundry!). Third of all, I do NOT want to see any renovations going on in the ENTIRE island. It must be perfect, finished, and functional. And I want to ensure that there are NO McDonald's nearby. Thanks.
Sincerely,
A Deteriorated Woman!
PS- You needn't stock the bathrooms with toilet paper- I'm bringing my own!