Love takes time

That sentence, "love takes time", really resonates with me lately.   I mean, it automatically starts the musical in my head ("love takes time to heal when you're hurting so much") because,  well who doesn't like a little Mariah Carey in their head all day?! 

Seriously tho..."love takes time" makes so much sence to me. 

Love takes time.

I have seen that evidenced at clinical.  Probably my own fault, but I have become very fond of that one client, and have spent more time with her than the others.  I have spent significant amounts of time on all clients, but that one is different.  The time we HAVE shared means more to me.   I have seen that, in order to love someone,  you need to spend time with/on that someone.  The more time I spend with each client, the more I love them.  Her 101st birthday, I sat at her side, holding her hand and realizing I have a real friend in someone who's lived my life three times over! 

I had a dream the other night, where EF was in it.  I haven't dreamt of EF for a long time.  being able to love friends and trust them the way I used to took time.  Being loved in spite of my fears, my insecurities, that took time for others.  Being able to love her again, to miss her, and to stop playing the mini-movie over  and over in my head of what I would have changed or said differently....that only came through time.

The biggest change has been the change within my home.

Time.   We have been together now for 2 years, 2 months, and 28th days (but who's counting?!)

I have had a few people comment regarding the changes in our children in the past year or so, about how they seem more secure, confident, and happy.  They comment on my relationship with Will's children specifically.  When we first got married, it was so different.  The kids, rightly so, kept their distance.  They have waited for me to show them that I am not going anywhere.  That I love them.  Love takes time.  For them to love me and to feel loved by me.  For Grace to give me a big hug and say I love you, to look forward to spending one-on-one time with her.  For Em to call me mom and come to me with her sadness, her frustrations, her needs.  We share more than just clothing, we share secrets.  Bigguy and Taylor hug me, talk about their dreams and plans for school...ask advice.  I'm starting to not only just be a stepmother..but to *feel* like a mother to these four children whom I love.

I knew it would..but it just took time.  Time for trust.  For security.  For safety.

  And, as a bonus, in that time, we found love.

Mercer Mayer Would Have Been Proud

The setting:  dinner table, crowded to the elbows with kids and paternal grandparents

The menu:  pull-out-whatever-veggies-we-have-left-in-the-fridge-and-chop-them-up salad,  BBQ'D deer steaks from Bigguy's hunt this winter,  and mashed potatoes.

The history:  Mimi doesn't usually eat seconds, in fact,we're lucky if she finishes the firsts.  

So, call me surprised when she asks for...more salad!!!  Um..what??!  OK!  

When she finished everything on her plate, I turned to Will and mentioned my surprise.  Even Gramma noticed, and said to Mimi "wow!  You ate ALL your supper!  You even had two helpings! !"

Mimi:  nuh uh, Gramma,  I ate my supper all by myself!"

Six word Saturday

A perfect day starts with family.

Seriously? Like, for reals??

Okay, I feel like I need to preface that this post isn't going to make anyone cry...or lead anyone to think I'm having/adopting a real live baby.  ;) But just so we are clear...that post is alllllllll true.  You shoulda seen Elizabeth cry over this car!! Lol. It really sucks how badly I want to drive it-  especially with the weather getting better and better each week.  I can't wait.

Anyways.  Back to life(...back to reality)..

There's only one and a half weeks of actual school, before the ten days of exams.  Seriously, I can not express how excited that makes me.  And sad.
I just want to sleep again.  Just once.  ;). And I just want to get laundry folded.  ("what is this folding you speak of?!"). And I just want to run.

But I will miss helping and providing care on a daily basis to people who brighten my day.  Of course...there's always my kids and husband...but I doubt they want me to put incontinence pads on them.  Althooooough. ...

There's only one week left in our clinical setting, and I have grown to love some of the residents so much more than I thought I would.  Maybe even more than others would think I should!  Sterile and professional has no room for affection or emotion.

One lady has particularly touched my heart, and I am so sad to know how limited her time is on earth.  Today she barely got out of bed, and didn't look so well.  Although I am no longer her primary care giver, I notice a change in her and go in to visit with her daily.  And when they spend all night saying they "want to go home", I am aware that they aren't referring to a physical,earthly home.  Something about the way they say it, to whom, and when, makes a keen nurse aware that there's more to that simple saying.  And I don't apologize for letting them know, gently and in our own conversations, that it is okay to "go home" whenever they are ready.   I know what they are saying, and they know what I am saying too. 

Sometimes, nursing isn't about the physical "fixing".  It's not always about the medicine, the routine, the diagnosis.  In fact, I think it is usually NOT about using the medicine to heal as much as it is about using the spirit.

Whether you believe in a higher being or fate or whatever, spirituality is something we spend time in school learning.  It is considered a factor of health-  like eating or sleeping or pooping.  So it is sad that we take it out of so many avenues of our lives.  Keep spirituality out of the schools, the hospitals, the government.  And what do we end up with? 

The more we take spirituality OUT, the sicker a society we are becoming.

I am not advocating prayer circles at the dinner tables or bible studies during lunch hour, but spirituality is so misunderstood.  It is more than religion.  It is much more.  And once we figure out how important it is, we will be better off.

Like I said on Facebook quoting Patch Adams;  "we cant promise to cure, but we can promise to care". 

Ten peas in the pod?!

Our trip to Utah was awesome. Too short, but full of good things. People were totally friendly, talking wayyyyyy more about banal things than most people from motown would to complete strangers.

A lady whose house we stayed at for a bit noticed Will's accent, but said I didn't have one. We kinda thought that was cute, because I used to tease him about his accent when we first met. But I did notice that the more I spoke to the Americans, the more I spoke like them. "Y'all" and "awraiht " and "dija wanna"... Too funny. The worst is Motown Americans... With their "flippity fetching" and "oh mah heck". Thankfully we didn't get THAT infiltrated.

I told people we were going down to buy a motorhome. Which we did. See? In Canada, we would have paid almost twice the price we paid in Utah, so we are looking forward to putting a few miles on it this summer on our way through the states to New York and then up to Toronto and adding some memories to our family memory capsule.

....

But, the best part about the trip, that we didn't tell people about was our adopting a new baby girl. I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!

She is absolutely adorable. When I first saw her, I knew instantly. Like, I would have practically picked her out of a thousand...she is going to fit into our family perfectly. She is perfectly behaved, quiet but filled with some personality, and you can tell just by looking at her she is as gorgeous and cute on the outside as she is on the inside!

We met the new mom, Elizabeth, Saturday afternoon. She had only had her for a day, but watching Elizabeth with the baby was absolutely heart-breaking. She loved her Soooo much, and although she KNEW she couldn't keep her and this was the best thing for everyone involved, her heart was still breaking.

We spent about an hour with the two of them, and then the time came for us to sign the official papers. Sitting at that desk, I couldn't help but feel guilty about how excited I was, while at the same time watching this brand-new mom gather tears in her eyes.

Papers were being signed, and Will noticed the pain that was evident on her face, and offered to have more of an open-policy with Facebook access and we would send pictures occasionally. She declined. Originally, when Elizabeth found out that we were Canadian and that we wouldn't be able to take the baby home right away, Elizabeth thought that she would get to keep her at her house in the meantime, and have more time to say goodbye. Unfortunately it doesn't work out that way, and Elizabeth cried out a bit when she found out that she had had her last moments alone with her baby. I could tell that giving up her baby to us was the last thing she thought she would do that soon after, but it was meant to be. Elizabeth and I are the exact same... Although I am obviously married and she is single, she is a thrity-year old, a nurse, in school, LDS, and I'm sure that knowing we had those things in common may have consoled her a bit more.

When it was time for her to have her last goodbye, she started to tear up a bit more. Her friend had come to pick her up, as she had told us that she hadn't even told her family yet that she was giving up the baby.

She barely even looked back. Before I could look up from peering down on the precious gift before me, Elizabeth was out of sight. I knew that the heartache and emptiness would be something Elizabeth would never fill. She may, someday when things are better for her, have another baby in her life, but it will never be the same.

Once Elizabeth had left, I sat there with my brand new, beautiful baby, just in awe. She is literally perfect. Will let me have some time alone with her while he got some stuff out of the car, and then for the next, like hour, we sat practically side by side, Will taking pictures of me with that beautiful girl in my hands.

We weren't allowed to bring her home today, as there are government papers and everything we need to sign/wait for in order for her to legally enter Canada with us, but in a few short weeks, we will have to come back to get her and finally bring her home and introduce her to the kids. Leaving her with the guardian was sad, and I even turned my car around and went back to see her one more time. I can't imagine what Elizabeth feels today, but in a small way, leaving my baby there sure was hard for me too, and I knew from Elizabeth's pain and how it mirrored my own, what kind of love a mother feels so quickly.

But for now, I will tear up with joy just looking at the pictures, and look forward to the day that she comes home to stay. Having her in my life was a dream I thought would probably never happen, and I have wanted her for so long, I can't even explain how much my dreams came true this weekend. I thought it would be impossible for me to ever include another baby into our family. Will has made all my dreams come true, and he hasn't stopped yet. I thought adopting such a beautiful babe would cost us an arm and a leg and then some. I thought that it would take YEARS for us to have the opportunity and be ready and have the stars align so perfectly. I know we are settled in our marriage and our life enough right now that we are totally ready for this addition.

Instead, it didn't have to be ANY of that. We will have to build a room/find some space/move things around for her, as she won't fit anywhere in the house right now. And, Although Will didn't bond to her quite like I have, he agreed to adopt another baby soon. He says he always wanted a black baby, and we will probably get a boy for him to bond with.

I know, I know... You have read this whole post and all you Wanna do is see a picture of me with my new, precious, perfect baby?

.

Gorgeous, isn't she?

Will tells me that the baby he brings home some day will also likely have chrome. ;-)

On the Road Again

Sad. March came and went without even ONE blog post from yours truly! oops. I'm pretty sure April's going to take a close second... so here's one, at least.

School rocks- especially the three days I'm in the clinical setting actually "BEING" a nurse. LOVE that part. I've secured a job for when school this semester is done, doing the same thing as I do in clinical, but here, in Motown. That's going to be a different step for me-- having a boss over the age of 2 isn't something that I've had since I was, like 20. ug.

But for now and the next three weeks (ish), it's finals time...papers and presentations and essays and exams, oh my.

We've spent lots of time just hanging on weekends with the kids when we have them, and this weekend, Will and I are headed to Utah. Out of all the US states I've been to (which is 18 so far), I love Utah best. It's going to be a bit of a rushed trip, seeing how we have to be back Sunday night and return to the monotony of parenting and work and school and blah blah... but still, that makes it fun too... Sleeping in the car or sleeping in a Walmart parking lot... eating at, you guessed it, Famous Dave's whenever possible, and just chilling. When you're stuck in a car for days at a time with your spouse, it's inevitable to bond in ways that don't happen when you have kids underfoot all the time. The conversations, the discoveries, and the memories are too priceless. I'm so excited.